Reciprocation

One thing that I'm supposed to love about UCSF is the collaborative environment. But when does the line between collaboration and one-sidedness (sorry, can't find a better word/term) begin?

So...I try my best to send out my outlines and other work to my entire class, although there might be one or two people that I don't really like in my class for valid (well, I think they're valid) reasons. But then I've also noticed people saying, "Oh, I'll email you the answers," or "We'll discuss the homework over email," yet I'm not really included in any of it. I wouldn't mind, except honestly, if you've gotten at least SOME help from my notes, tutoring efforts, or just answering your random questions about ANY class (because people assume that I know things for every class, which I don't, people always ask me what's going on)...then what? It always feels so damn one sided. I'm not saying that this applies to everyone. There are people that I know would help me if they felt like they could. I know that some people are barely struggling to keep up for themselves, so I don't help them because I EXPECT anything in return. It would just be nice...I don't really know what I'm saying at this point; I'm not very good at articulating my thoughts, and I'm frustrated, but I just don't know how to express it.

Another thing that bugs me like crazy is when people say, "Of course pchem is easy for you; you've taken it before!" So, do you want to take pchem again next quarter? Do you think you'd do well? I worked my butt off in undergrad to do well in my classes, work 30 hrs of work per week, AND serve leadership roles in several different orgs. We're taking organic chemistry next quarter. When people struggle, can I just say, "But you've taken it before; it should be easy!" The spiteful side of me would just LOVE to say that.

People justify their saying that by following that up with, "Well, you TAed for it before." So, it makes it easy for me because I TAed? Well, yes, but it doesn't mean that I didn't work hard for it. Basically, my biggest complaint is that people basically brush it off as, "I have to work hard for this and struggle with this, while you don't." TAing helped me remember, yes, but it doesn't mean that I never had to work for it. I OBVIOUSLY had to work to get up to that level. I still have to study in order to get good grades so that I could possibly TA for it next year, and THAT isn't even a guarantee. I could honestly just be selfish, not help ANYONE, and just sit in class and laugh at the people that aren't doing well. BUT I DON'T. All I want is some mutual respect. And these are the people that ask me for help.

There are also people that basically don't even acknowledge me or say hi UNLESS they need something. That is why I really appreciate those that don't do that or use me. I really don't mind helping people, but at least be respectful and acknowledge that I exist outside of academics.

Last week, when I mentioned to someone that I'm stressed out about biostats and that I'm struggling a bit, his response was merely, "But you've taken it before!" First of all, it's been THREE YEARS. Let's see if you remember everything from three years ago. Also, if you're being freaking lazy, don't blame the fact that you're not doing well on the fact that you never took stats before. Blame the fact that you don't even go to half of your classes.

RAWRRRRRRGH. End rant. Think. Positive. Thoughts.

It's nice to have each others' backs, but honestly, I feel like hardly anyone has mine. I say 'hardly' because there are some that I know totally have mine, which I appreciate. <3