My sister has so much love in her heart.

As I said before, I should be more gracious toward others. However, I hope people will eventually respect the fact that I have finals of my own and I'm not their personal tutor or notetaker. Or mother.

Thanksgiving and other things!

Thanksgiving was so much fun! Granted, it was definitely NOT your 'typical Thanksgiving', but the essence of Thanksgiving is that you spend it with your loved ones, right? I'm glad I had so many places to go and so many people to spend Thanksgiving with -- that is one of the top things on my list of things to be grateful for! Of course, family, health, and basic necessities are among that list. But most of all, that I know God and the sacrifice that Jesus made for all of us. Sometimes, it's hard for me to realize His grace, but I am so thankful and amazed that I am fortunate enough to be able to recognize and realize even the smallest piece of His amazing grace :)

So all I did today was be lazy...even with finals coming up, it's really difficult to focus! I'm still working on my CP outline (it's at 42 pages now, and getting longer!). Part of me didn't want to send it out because some people are extremely RUDE (I've complained about this before), and all of my friends told me that it's as simple as NOT sending it out. But then I remembered all of those awesome people who WOULD send it out...and who told me that it really helped them last time...and people that are really struggling right now...and then I realize that I shouldn't be so selfish as to give into my own negative emotions. It will still bother me, I'm sure, but I've really learned that God has been so gracious to me through all of the wonderful people in my life, so I should try to do the same to people that I know. The DOING is the hardest part, but I should try my best anyway ^_^

Reciprocation

One thing that I'm supposed to love about UCSF is the collaborative environment. But when does the line between collaboration and one-sidedness (sorry, can't find a better word/term) begin?

So...I try my best to send out my outlines and other work to my entire class, although there might be one or two people that I don't really like in my class for valid (well, I think they're valid) reasons. But then I've also noticed people saying, "Oh, I'll email you the answers," or "We'll discuss the homework over email," yet I'm not really included in any of it. I wouldn't mind, except honestly, if you've gotten at least SOME help from my notes, tutoring efforts, or just answering your random questions about ANY class (because people assume that I know things for every class, which I don't, people always ask me what's going on)...then what? It always feels so damn one sided. I'm not saying that this applies to everyone. There are people that I know would help me if they felt like they could. I know that some people are barely struggling to keep up for themselves, so I don't help them because I EXPECT anything in return. It would just be nice...I don't really know what I'm saying at this point; I'm not very good at articulating my thoughts, and I'm frustrated, but I just don't know how to express it.

Another thing that bugs me like crazy is when people say, "Of course pchem is easy for you; you've taken it before!" So, do you want to take pchem again next quarter? Do you think you'd do well? I worked my butt off in undergrad to do well in my classes, work 30 hrs of work per week, AND serve leadership roles in several different orgs. We're taking organic chemistry next quarter. When people struggle, can I just say, "But you've taken it before; it should be easy!" The spiteful side of me would just LOVE to say that.

People justify their saying that by following that up with, "Well, you TAed for it before." So, it makes it easy for me because I TAed? Well, yes, but it doesn't mean that I didn't work hard for it. Basically, my biggest complaint is that people basically brush it off as, "I have to work hard for this and struggle with this, while you don't." TAing helped me remember, yes, but it doesn't mean that I never had to work for it. I OBVIOUSLY had to work to get up to that level. I still have to study in order to get good grades so that I could possibly TA for it next year, and THAT isn't even a guarantee. I could honestly just be selfish, not help ANYONE, and just sit in class and laugh at the people that aren't doing well. BUT I DON'T. All I want is some mutual respect. And these are the people that ask me for help.

There are also people that basically don't even acknowledge me or say hi UNLESS they need something. That is why I really appreciate those that don't do that or use me. I really don't mind helping people, but at least be respectful and acknowledge that I exist outside of academics.

Last week, when I mentioned to someone that I'm stressed out about biostats and that I'm struggling a bit, his response was merely, "But you've taken it before!" First of all, it's been THREE YEARS. Let's see if you remember everything from three years ago. Also, if you're being freaking lazy, don't blame the fact that you're not doing well on the fact that you never took stats before. Blame the fact that you don't even go to half of your classes.

RAWRRRRRRGH. End rant. Think. Positive. Thoughts.

It's nice to have each others' backs, but honestly, I feel like hardly anyone has mine. I say 'hardly' because there are some that I know totally have mine, which I appreciate. <3

"If you're not getting answers, you're not asking the right questions"

Title stolen from a song, although I may not have it word for word.

So, I'm a bit sad...or a lot sad. This is a bad week. Not the direct happenings of this week or being sick (it's not that bad), but just...thinking. And this week in particular. Some people say I'm too cryptic for words. But that's okay, it's MY blog, and I'll cry if I want to =P

Counting my blessings: My friends that tell me not to be sad, my sister and new brother-in-law married without a problem (although the problems BEFORE the wedding were numerous!) and having a good time in Hawaii (hopefully), I'm sick but not deathly ill like I was several times in undergrad, God for everything that he provides, including safety today when a motorcycle rider almost freaking ran over me.

I need a slap back to reality...or maybe a vacation from reality is really what I need? :P

I love...

My amaaaaaazing family that keeps me going

Visitors from afar that make me a bit less home/SDsick

Random text messages saying hello

Random IMs saying "I <3 you, have a wonderful day today" (awww)

People that make me laugh until my sides hurt

Random nights out with friends

Old songs that I love but haven't heard in a while playing on the radio

Helping people that need and APPRECIATE it and seeing them really benefit from it!

Being able to sing and praise God from my heart

Thinking back and realizing that no matter how many things sucked (and may still), everything is exactly as it should be

Friends that insist that I go out, even when I'm being whiny, because it's "good for me"

Cheers to donuts! hahaha

This is my millionth blog, and I actually haven't blogged in a while, but I figured it's a good way to 1) organize my thoughts, 2) ramble to myself instead of rambling to other people, and 3) keep in touch with those that I haven't talked to in a while.

So, here it is.

I should be doing enjoying my day right now, but right now, I just feel like sitting at home and vegging. I also have a ton of things to do and not enough time this week (especially since I'm going home this upcoming weekend), but I need a break.

What's been on my mind lately?

First of all, the election. I know that most Californians are disappointed about Prop 8. Honestly, I was surprised that it passed. Unlike most people, however, I am not going to tell my reader what to think about it. An election is just that -- an election. Your opinion is not necessarily better or worse than mine. Everyone gets ONE vote to exercise their opinions if they choose to do so. My opinion on voting is that one should only vote if they know the issues, and/or if they are educated enough to make a wise decision based on the information and their beliefs. As much as I may agree or disagree with someone regarding an issue, I prefer to try not to bias someone. Here are the facts, learn about the issue, and vote how you choose -- I am not going to hate you, break you down, and make you feel ashamed about your opinions. Everyone has the right to be disappointed/upset if the election doesn't turn out the way that they wanted to, but don't hate. Respect, people.

School is a huge part of my life, obviously. I'm not necessarily overwhelmed (yet!), but I'm constantly plagued by homesickness/SD-sickness. I'm thankful that I get to go home this upcoming weekend (my sister is getting married!), but I'm also stressed about that. Basically, my flight lands, I get ready for rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, and sleep so that I can spend the whole next day for the wedding itself. And then I come home on Sunday. After this nonstop onslaught of exams, papers, and other responsibilities, I just wanted a weekend to chill...but thank God for allowing the wedding to be AFTER all of my obligations :)

I'm also working in San Diego for a part of winter break. I can't wait to see people. Some others...I don't know where we stand at this point. It's funny how relationships change when you aren't there for two months. Out of sight, out of mind?

I have major mixed feelings about people. On one hand, I want to help the people around me as much as I can, if I can...but there comes a point when it just becomes a leechy, one-way type of relationship. I exist only when I am needed, and I am no longer a life form when I am no longer of use. Of course, I was bitter about this. I still am, but it is subsiding a lot more because I keep thinking about how sometimes, I have that type of relationship with God, where I just expect God to take care of everything for me (because He will), but I don't do my part to be the person that He wants me to be. I think one of my biggest problems is having a narrow heart and allowing people to annoy me when I should just relax, be nice, and not be so uptight about things. It's hard to be kind when other people are not so kind, but I shouldn't let those peoples' standards get in the way, right? :D

Did I mention that I am soooo thankful for all those wonderful people in my life? From the random phone calls or texts, to hugs, to the "let's go out today because you're having a bad day" -- everyone is wonderful and I am so blessed (and undeserving!) of the people that God put in my life.

I read the description for an ENFJ (my apparent Myers-Briggs personality type), and it was such a good description of me that it was a bit eerie. I wonder if those things apply well to everyone.

I'm excited for May to visit SF tomorrow, and for Jane's wedding! So busy...but as someone said to me once, I wouldn't have it any other way...